When we first met I fell for him pretty hard. As with any new relationship, the first few months were great and then we settled into our own routine/rhythm. But now I feel like it's getting stagnant. It's now been four years. One of the last times I brought up moving the relationship forward was 2 years ago, around the time of a relative's wedding. My boyfriend said it was too soon to discuss marriage and we weren't ready for that just yet. I was still in college at the time, so I agreed it wasn't the best time to begin thinking about it.
Well last month I finally graduated from college. I'm in my mid-20's (getting closer to 30 than 20 now) and with college over, I'm getting ready to tackle the next phase of my life- I want to find a decent job and move out of my parents' house. And I want to figure out where my 4 year old relationship with my boyfriend is going, because at this point, I don't know where it's headed and I'm beginning to doubt there's a long term future here- as much as it pains me to think it and write it, it's the truth and I have to deal with it in some way.
Here are my doubts- we don't talk about anything serious. As I said, I have difficulty discussing my feelings. Not that I don't want to, because I do but it's hard for me to do so. My boyfriend's attitude toward any serious conversation also puts me off and makes me nervous for me to do so. He CANNOT accept any kind of criticism (or anything he perceives as criticism, even if I never meant it to be). Any argument we have, it feels as though I'm somehow made responsible for his behavior. I try to own up to things I do wrong, because I'm not perfect and I know that I'm not always easy to deal with. But the last time I accepted criticism from him it turned into a shit show. I was hurt by what he said, but I didn't argue- I accepted it and am trying to work on the issue he brought to my attention.
During this time I also said that I had some things I wanted to talk about as well concerning us, and he got really angry. I didn't even say what the things were that I wanted to talk about- I simply said at some point, there were some things I needed to talk to him about as well, but that I knew right then wasn't the time. He began saying I couldn't accept any criticism, that I was "one way" about things, and just lashing out. It really hurt my feelings because I felt I had accepted his grievances very graciously, even though it hurt to hear them. All I wanted was some validation, at some point in time, of my feelings. Instead, I was blamed for making him out to be an a**hole (a word I never used and I wasn't even angry, I wasn't name-calling or anything), that he's been a good boyfriend and I have nothing to complain about. He threw away my feelings without even knowing what I had to say. So I continue to keep my mouth shut.
I feel like we can't have a serious discussion about anything. Even something simple. If he feels it's "criticism", he can't handle it. He owns his own home and let me tell you, it's a mess. He is proud that he was able to buy his own home before he turned 30, and I don't blame him. But he doesn't maintain the house. It's a very small house and should be easy to maintain with one person living there, but it's disgusting. In the 3 years he's been there, the floors have been mopped maybe once. The bathroom is disgusting and I will not shower there. There is more clutter in his house than at mine, and there are 6-7 people living in my house. Junk mail and boxes from things he orders online pile up on almost every available surface. A good area of the kitchen is taken up with plastic and brown bags and bottles. I have not seen the floor of the bedroom since he moved in, because there are piles of clothes he doesn't wear on the floor. Someone gave him a dresser 2 years ago, and there's nothing in it.
We would get into fights all the time because I couldn't stand being in such a messy house. It's depressing. It's not cozy. I don't enjoy being there that much because of all the clutter and because I know it's dirty. After a bad fight last fall, I stopped saying anything about the house. I also stopped trying to clean it, because I'm not responsible for the house. I don't even put dishes from the dishwasher away anymore. I clean up after myself and leave the rest alone because it's not worth my time and energy.
I've recently decided for myself that this relationship can never move forward as long as he keeps his house the way he does. I will not ever live with a person who does not care about the way his home looks. Believe me, I am no neat freak myself, but sometimes some areas of his house looks like a mini-hoard. And I know if we lived together, the burden of keeping the house would fall on me because he's shown for the last 3 years he doesn't have the motivation to tidy up his home. Basic things like vacuuming don't even happen. Mowing the lawn? Forget it, he'd rather leave it til it's waist-high and then finally do it when I mention I'd like to go sit outside soon because the weather's getting nicer. And even when I mention it in a (I think) gentle way like that, he still gets annoyed.
I hate to say and think that after four years together, I don't know where my relationship with my boyfriend is headed. It seems easy enough for me to talk to him about it, right? But it's not. I've always had difficulty discussing my feelings openly and honestly, and now I'm with a man who doesn't seem to even want to talk about issues openly and honestly at all. Or it could be that he just thinks there aren't any issues. But I think he knows better. He's just extremely uncomfortable having a real conversation about the future. Bear with me, this may be long, because I've held all this in for so long and I don't know who to talk to about it.
I don't know what to say or do. Now that I've graduated, I feel it may be time to at least discuss what each of us wants from this relationship. But I don't know what I want anymore. I used to know, but his behavior has made me doubt the future of this relationship. And since we can't even seem to TALK about a future, it's very hard for me to imagine one with him. We've never even seriously discussed getting engaged. I have no idea what he thinks or what he wants from this. I don't know what I want anymore because there's no communication, and the way he keeps his house is extremely off-putting to me. I have no idea how to talk about these things without getting into a huge argument.
Please, she needs your advice...........
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